Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm On the Verge of Action...

In my previous post I talked about procrastination and horrified readers into silence by disclosing my pants size and weight. I've always abandoned any effort that felt like effort to get and stay healthy. It's desperate. I am at least 50 pounds overweight - that's like running around everyday with an extra 7 year old. Stuck to my body... You know what? I don't know that kid and I don't like him. It turns out that he won't just get bored and leave on his own while I sit in front of the computer or eat pistachios while watching CSI. I have to do something but so far all I really know for sure is:  

{this is where I could be headed}

{and THIS is a little too far down the road I want to be on}

I'd like to land somewhere waaaaay south of Charming "Little" Ella, up there and just before Fergie's skirt hits the bottom of her cheeks. So if anyone has the slightest idea how the fuck to accomplish that, please do let me know. I am almost ready to gear up to plan to seriously commit to saying I may possibly be leaning towards taking action. Yep... I'm THAT serious. 
Phase One: Getting Ready

The first logical step to starting a healthier lifestyle seems to have been to eat a whole bunch of the stuff I'm going to miss not eating anymore. Does anyone else do this or am I the only fucktard who loads up on junk food before going on a diet? Good bye, Nutty Bars... Thin Mints... I'm done with you. Hello sugar-free Jell-O... I see many nights of Special K for dinner in my future. Saturday, I register for Weight Watchers, and it feels like looking at 6-10 months in lock-up.
So while I haven't been exercising YET, I did craft the most excellent workout playlist. Look!
*If you hate any or all of this, it's OK. You're OK. But I don't care. Save your hate mail for oil companies and people who throw puppies into rivers...
✓ Sure Shot  Beastie Boys
 ✓ So What'cha Want  Beastie Boys
✓ Brass Monkey Beastie Boys
✓ Hey Ladies  Beastie Boys
✓ Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) Beyoncé
✓ Boom Boom Pow  Black Eyed Peas
✓ I Gotta Feeling  Black Eyed Peas
✓ Pump It  Black Eyed Peas
✓ Crazy Bitch  Buckcherry
✓ Darkside (Album Version)  Crazy Town
✓ Only When I'm Drunk (Explicit Album Version)  Crazy Town
✓ Lollipop Porn (Explicit Album Version)  Crazy Town
✓ The State of Massachusetts  Dropkick Murphys
✓ Shake That  Eminem 
✓ Too Funky George Michael
✓ Head over Heels  The Go-Go's
✓ Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First)  John Mellencamp
✓ Wild Night  John Mellencamp
✓ Gold Digger (Featuring Jamie Foxx)  Kanye West
✓ When the Sun Goes Down  Kenny Chesney
✓ Just Dance  Lady GaGa
✓ Goodbye Kristinia DeBarge
✓ American Woman Lenny Kravitz
✓ One Step Closer  Linkin Park
✓ Bleed It Out  Linkin Park
✓ The World Should Revolve Around Me  Little Jackie
✓ Supermassive Black Hole  Muse
✓ Something In Your Mouth Nickelback
✓ Just a Girl  No Doubt
✓ U + Ur Hand  P!nk
✓ So What  P!nk
✓ Don't Let Me Get Me (Radio Edit) P!nk
✓ Blood Sugar Sex Magik  Red Hot Chili Peppers 
✓ Give It Away  Red Hot Chili Peppers Red Hot Chili Peppers
✓ Pon de Replay (Radio Edit) Rihanna
✓ Living Dead Girl Rob Zombie
✓ Fake It  Seether
✓ Oh Carolina  Shaggy
✓ Caress Me Down  Sublime 
✓ Switch  Will Smith
✓ Lady Marmalade  Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink
✓ 18 Wheeler  P!nk
✓ Porn Star Dancing (feat. Ludacris) My Darkest Days
✓ Kick In The Teeth  Papa Roach
✓ Hollaback Girl  Gwen Stefani
✓ Rich Girl Gwen Stefani 
✓ It's Tricky  Run-DMC
✓ Raise Your Glass  P!nk
✓ Hey Baby (Drop It to the Floor) Pitbull
✓ Stand Up Ludacris & Shawnna
So there we have it! I'm almost completely ready to start living healthier... pretty much. I mean... you know. Right after I get some new work out clothes and sneakers. THEN.... well, then I'll be ready to jump right into a gym routine. Except on Mondays... 'cause you know... It's Monday. And Saturdays are reserved for the Tornado's basketball games and a seemingly endless string of birthday parties. Wednesdays look good from like 3:30 - 3:40 and I will definitely be able to get in a brisk walk on Thurs.... oops. No... Thursday is the night I actually try to cook for dinner. That's the whole afternoon and evening blown. Hmmm....
You see where this is going, right??

Somebody, please... say something INSPIRING.


  1. Is LOL inspiring?

    Just kidding! I remember being overweight, overwhelmed and ready to do just about anything other than exercise {or step away from the marshmallow fluff and my Margarita - FYI I still eat fluff and drink like a fish}

    So here goes.... YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.
    I hate to say "YOU CANNOT" in this comment since my point here is "YOU CAN!" but.... I'll say it again....


    Step one, you made a plan or started a plan and weight watchers is part of it. That's a good start, that's people and accountability. That's not alone! **Yay You!** You're moving in the right direction.

    Step two --- Group exercise plan. Working out is boring as hell and even with a kick ass workout mix {and yours is btw!} Working out alone SUCKS! So either find a gym buddy or find a class that you like, that is filled with women that will be there on a regular basis and that will miss you and haunt you and guilt you if you skip a class. Something fun to start. I've go no skills and Zumba, well.... I'd hurt someone if I tried to dance... But I know A LOT of mommies that are addicted. Not skinny, Fergalishous mommies either! Find a buddy or find a group or BOTH!

    My last tid-bit... Stroller Strides changed my Life. Okay...If I heard someone say that a year ago I would have rolled my eyes, stuck my finger down my throat and gagged! I couldn't imagine what people were talking about when they said shit like that.... I now know. So the boys are too old and you work....So "Stroller Strides" wouldn't fit your life-- But I know SS is in your area {sort of} and they offer a "Mama wants her Body Back" program. 2 days a week, no kids, Meal Plan, Exercise Routine, accountability, comradery.... maybe you're not there yet. Maybe that's a goal for this summer? Just saying....

    So my last little pearl of wisdom and I'll shut up.... Excuses are like assholes... No, just kidding... Here it is....

    You will always be able to find a million excuses as to why you *can't*... Why tomorrow would be a better day to start.... But the one thing that should get your ass out the door and moving is this. YOU ARE WORTH IT! You owe it to yourself to make a positive change and feel better in your own skin. You owe it to your boys to be healthy enough to play with them and around long enough to torture their future wives.

    I couldn't run 20 feet or do a sit up or push up when I started a year ago....Now, well now you can see me October 9th 2011 crossing the finish line at the Long Beach 1/2 Marathon!


  2. Great post...although probably a bit too close to home for me. I mean, I have like three of your 7-year olds to lose. Oh shit, I just WROTE that. But it's true. Three unruly loud obnoxious 7-year olds hanging on for dear life. No wonder I'm always tired. Maybe I should sign up and we should email each other and nag the living hell out of the other one if we don't report exercise progress or something. Hmm...might email you. Plus...I wanna borrow Shelbi. Maybe she could just send a pep talk email once a week? Because she's damn good at it! Good luck! I KNOW you've got this!

  3. You two can do this! Do it together! Ride the hell out of each other. Push each other. Hold each other accountable! I'll be here cheering you both on every step of the way {Though I promise to leave the annoying pom-poms and the vomitile cheerleading uniform buried in the closet!}

  4. Damn Shelbi should be a life coach! She could be the next Jillian Michaels!
    But seriously... it's yours if you want it. When your health and happiness take precedence over your addictions and insecurties you can do anything! MAKE IT HAPPEN GIRL!
    Oh yeah and ZUMBA was fun! I looked like a complete moron and laughed at myself the entire time, but I was sweating my ass off!I know a couple people looking to try it in the Gfld. area... maybe you and Jen could hook up with them and make it a party! :)