Thursday, September 15, 2011

Slices of a SassMaster Summer

Major Accomplishments are as follows:
The Viking is potty-trained and the Tornado can blow a bubble with gum and make fart noises with his arm in two distinct dialects. I (poorly) organized a team for the Relay for Life and raised over $1000 for the American Cancer Society. Next year, yeah Felty, I said NEXT YEAR... there will be more organization and more $$$ raised. And there will be more team members who stay the whole 24 hours... and we may re-name the team if we can think of something snappy that ends in Bitch Ass...

The list of shit I wanted to get done but put off until August 21st (the day before I returned to work) is much longer and makes me look like a lazy ass, so you'll pardon me if I don't share, I hope.

Minor accomplishments are lackluster at best, but mentionable:
I read 15 books and watched 7 seasons (150+) episodes of Grey's Anatomy... Don't judge me. Or do... and then bite me...

I survived losing my child for 10 minutes in a very crowded water park (HE survived only because there were dozens of people at Six Flags who would have called DCF and reported me for trying to drown him), I also survived 3 days and two nights in a cabin in the Maine woods (which included a total of 11 hours in the car) with my mother and my children but WITHOUT running water or electricity... a more in-depth examination of this experience is probably forth-coming, but I sense there needs to be some more distance from it in order for it to be funny...

and I worked 26 hours doing data entry for the agency that employs me to be a teacher during the school year so I could earn some "extra" money. I say "extra" all snark-astically because by the time my unemployment was adjusted and taxes were taken out, I had $25 more than I would have had that week with just my unemployment check. I essentailly drove over 100 miles between all our Head Start sites and sweated my ass off in offices sans A/C for less than $1 an hour...

There was little planning and even less money, so we just got out of bed and had a day... The first few days of the Tornado's summer he revelled in hours on the couch in his underwear watching brain-rotting amounts of SpongeBob. I smiled in rememberance of the glorious feeling of a day without aim or care stretching in front of me. Every morning I'd slide out of bed around 8 and hit the couch in my Wonder Woman Underoos, cartoons on the tube, a bowl of Cap'n Crunch in one hand and a Tab in the other... Helllllloooo summer vacation. {A.D.Detour warning... Please excuse this interuption:}
Rememer Tab??? It still tastes awesome, FYI. Every once in awhile I'll come across it and decide to risk the tumor to savor a little bit of my 80's childhood... roller skates, Tab, Smurfs, Shrinky-Dinks, Tiger Beat magazine and Martha Quinn on MTV... {sigh and a smile}

Here's what I know after 13 weeks of summer vacation:
  • Netflix streaming into my home through our computer is like a crack dealer that sets up shop outside an NA meeting... Another episode??? Well, YEEEEAAAHH... pssshtt. It's only 2 a.m. I totally have time to get straight before the kids wake up. ANOTHER episode?? Well... {running shaky hands though hair}... Oh crap... God, grant me the serenity to accept that McDreamy does not exist in real life, and the courage to put down the remote and crawl into bed. Amen.

  • There is nary a tree nor bush nor potted plant (sorry, Nana) between our house and the majority of Western New England that has not been pissed on by the Viking.

  • The "Poop Bag" is the wise and sacred tool of achieving the Deuce when potty training. Ours was a Captain America gift bag filled with all kinds of irristable and scintilating swag for the 2 1/2 year old super hero enthusiast, including tattoos, stickers, figurines, sunglasses, cups and water bottles, cars, playdough and anything else I could find that was under $5. *RULES* 1. you can only look in the Poop Bag if you're sitting on the potty trying to poop. 2. there is no PLAYING with anything in the Poop Bag until you've earned it. 3. everyone in the house/campground/restaurant/church/parking lot  must be willing to shout "WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!" when you produce the Deuce. I could have trained him to crap in his hand and wear it on his head for all the amazing stuff I was bribing him with. AND! he wipes the toilet seat when he sprinkles, adding  "for mom can have a dry butt." Ah, chivalry...

  • The Tornado can elicite a sound from the Viking that no one else on the planet can. And it goes right up my spine and reverberates in my skull until I foam and shriek like a rabid monkey and send everyone to bed. FOREVER!!

  • You CAN eat an ice cream cone from McDonald's for breakfast, lunch and dinner and still lose 1.6 pounds  because they're only 4 Weight Watchers points.

  • This logic does NOT apply to Russell Stover sugar free chocolates. They are delicious and only 1 point each but more than two will leave you in the fetal position on the bathroom floor and likely out of toilet paper. Don't say I didn't warn you!
and finally,

  • 13 weeks is exactly the amount of time it takes to make me want to eat my own children and begin longing for the repreive of warping teaching other peoples'.
Here's to Sucktember and whatever it brings....